Everybody hopes to get through.

Sleeping In - Nevertheless



I've been sleeping in for days,

'Cause when I am awake,

I will have to face my life.

And I'm hoping it's a phase.

The walls that I create

Can only make it seem all right.

And I get carried away like I'm the only one

Who's ever felt the way that I do,

But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.

Everybody hopes to get through."



And it's got me sleeping in.

Every day God, it's the same thing.

Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.

I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.

I need you here with me to face the world outside

'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.



I've been waking up with fear,

'Cause all that I can hear

Is the ringing of alarms downtown.

It's been going on for years,

But you have made it clear

That I am not alone in this crowd.

And I get carried away like I'm the only one

Who's ever felt the way that I do,

But I can hear you say, "You're not the only one.

Everybody hopes to get through."



And it's got me sleeping in.

Every day God, it's the same thing.

Yeah, you caught me sleeping in.

I'm still hiding; I'm still waiting.

I need you here with me to face the world outside

'Cause I'm tired of sleeping in.



Open up my eyes.

I'm tired of sleeping in

In a world that's dying to wake up.



I'm done with sleeping in.



I really like this song. I think it has a lot for us to learn from. We're all sleeping and we don't know it. When you're asleep, are you aware of it? Can you think to yourself "I'm asleep right now"? No, when we're asleep, we're unmoving (with exceptions), unresponsive, and we do absolutely nothing. You can't live your life asleep, but people, just as myself, do just that more often than not. However, what I really like about this song is not the sleeping part, but what the verses have to say.

What they're talking about is our problems. We tend to want our problems to look bigger to everyone else and therefore, have the attention that we desire. If someone says "I have a problem with self-abuse" then people are going to try to help that person. I do believe that that is a serious issue and that the person should be helped, but you have to think about why they're doing that in the first place. It's because they feel an emptiness inside of them; a hole that they're trying to fill. They know that there's something missing, so they just make stuff up to get what they think will satisfy them. If people give them attention, then they won't feel alone in this world. It ends up being a viscous cycle that runs our lives.

However, when people start focusing on their issues, then they think they're the only ones. We think that we're the only people hurting, when really, millions and millions of people are suffering from the same thing. No body is going to have a life where something horrible didn't happen to them. It's a part of living in this fallen world and broken age. We focus on the bad things in our lives and not looking to see exactly where our lives should be. That's why we're in the rut that we are. Apart from God, there is something in us that's lacking and, by God's grace, He has put it in every single person to know that there is something more than this life. However, when we don't know what it is we're missing, we do what we can to satisfy it ourselves and oddly enough, we're never satisfied. Even when we get the big steaks and the filling pies, we end up hungry time after time, always going back to get more. That's how it is for those things; the "happiness" is artificial, it's temporary, it's fake. But we think it's going to make us happy.

We're never in as bad a spot as we think we are. All we want is the attention. I'm guilty of it, you are, everyone we know. I'm not saying that issues aren't real, yours aren't the worst. I'll tell you Whose was.

Jesus died in place for you. The awful things you've done, He's paid for with His blood. We've heard it time and time again, in Sunday School, at church, at family devotions, and the concept becomes numb. It doesn't have the amazing effect that we want it to. Everyone takes this free gift from God for granted because "everyone has it". The reality is, Jesus did something we couldn't possibly ever do to pay for our sins. We, in and of ourselves, cannot pay for our sins. Not by works, by doing the right things, by getting baptized, by putting on the Christian persona. It's all worthless and means nothing in terms for payment to our God. But He made it possible through His only Son's shed blood. Do you realize what He did? He did nothing wrong; we did. But God, the Creator of the universe, the Maker of everything, the Captain of your soul, suffered worse than all our troubles on this earth combined and doubled. We cannot understand the ammount of pain that God the Father went through to do what He had to do to His Son, that God the Son went through to have His Father make Him suffer like He did. Never will we know the pain that They felt. But They did it. And they did it for the dropouts, losers, sinners, failures, and fools who deserve nothing but death.

As I mull over these things, mull with me. I'll tell you it's better than sleeping in.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?

So today was a good day, the day before was good, and the day before that was good. I've been having the best time lately. Sure, there are bumps along the road, but my goodness, things are much different than they used to be. I realized that tonight.

I got on to my sister about something tonight. Not out of the ordinary; she often does something bad and I'll get on to her for it. Well, tonight something different happened. After she stomped off to her room, mom went in there to talk to her. Turns out, she was crying. She thought that I didn't like her and just spilled. Mom came and talked to me and asked me to talk to her. I was a little aggravated with her, I must admit, because I really didn't do anything that was that big of a deal and she got Mom in on it. But once I was talking to her, things calmed down. I believe God helped me in that situation, because I was about to lay it on her thick, but I didn't.

Well, my youth pastor had us read Psalm 22 this week for homework, so I decided to do that tonight with Laurel. Here it is:

¹ My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me,
so far from the words of my groaning?

² O my God, I cry out by day, but you do not answer,
by night, and am not silent.

³ Yet you are enthroned as the Holy One;
you are the praise of Israel. ^a]">

⁴ In you our fathers put their trust;
they trusted and you delivered them.

⁵ They cried to you and were saved;
in you they trusted and were not disappointed.

⁶ But I am a worm and not a man,
scorned by men and despised by the people.

⁷ All who see me mock me;
they hurl insults, shaking their heads:

⁸ "He trusts in the LORD;
let the LORD rescue him.
Let him deliver him,
since he delights in him."

⁹ Yet you brought me out of the womb;
you made me trust in you
even at my mother's breast.

¹⁰ From birth I was cast upon you;
from my mother's womb you have been my God.

¹¹ Do not be far from me,
for trouble is near
and there is no one to help.

¹² Many bulls surround me;
strong bulls of Bashan encircle me.

¹³ Roaring lions tearing their prey
open their mouths wide against me.

¹⁴ I am poured out like water,
and all my bones are out of joint.
My heart has turned to wax;
it has melted away within me.

¹⁵ My strength is dried up like a potsherd,
and my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth;
you lay me in the dust of death.

¹⁶ Dogs have surrounded me;
a band of evil men has encircled me,
they have pierced my hands and my feet.

¹⁷ I can count all my bones;
people stare and gloat over me.

¹⁸ They divide my garments among them
and cast lots for my clothing.

¹⁹ But you, O LORD, be not far off;
O my Strength, come quickly to help me.

²⁰ Deliver my life from the sword,
my precious life from the power of the dogs.

²¹ Rescue me from the mouth of the lions;
save me from the horns of the wild oxen.

²² I will declare your name to my brothers;
in the congregation I will praise you.

²³ You who fear the LORD, praise him!
All you descendants of Jacob, honor him!
Revere him, all you descendants of Israel!

²⁴ For he has not despised or disdained
the suffering of the afflicted one;
he has not hidden his face from him
but has listened to his cry for help.

²⁵ From you comes the theme of my praise in the great assembly;
before those who fear you^e]"> will I fulfill my vows.

²⁶ The poor will eat and be satisfied;
they who seek the LORD will praise him—
may your hearts live forever!

²⁷ All the ends of the earth
will remember and turn to the LORD,
and all the families of the nations
will bow down before him,

²⁸ for dominion belongs to the LORD
and he rules over the nations.

²⁹ All the rich of the earth will feast and worship;
all who go down to the dust will kneel before him—
those who cannot keep themselves alive.

³⁰ Posterity will serve him;
future generations will be told about the Lord.

³¹ They will proclaim his righteousness
to a people yet unborn—
for he has done it.

I read it out of my Bible. I read it a while ago, so I already had a ton of verses underlined. But for some reason, I had one verse in particular underlined, and it was "Do not be far from me, for trouble is near and there is no one to help."

I found it interesting how I had this particular verse underlined. This is how I felt. I was not fully relying on God, but rather other people, so this was where I was at. I was in trouble, so to speak, and I felt there was no one there to help.

It's amazing how much God has blessed me. I don't deserve a speck of it, yet here I am, living in an amazing way. God is far too good and I couldn't be any happier about it. I am rich. In wealth and in spirit. He gives me more than I could possibly ever earn, for He has given Jesus to me. Christ lives in me. I am rotten and no good. All the goodness that I do is from the Lord only. I don't do any of it on my own. I'm not a robot, I'm not a puppet on a string. I make choices and decisions. But so does God, and He is using me and I am ever so grateful.

I decided to and did expect a lot out of 2009 and by God's providence, it has exceeded expectations. Thank You. Forever and ever more.

My heart is darker than these oceans.

So right now, life is really good for me. I've spent the past few days surrounded by friends, I worked a bit today, I have a full stomach, I'm in nice, comfy clothes, I've got some rocking music playing, and I'm feeling good. I'm sure a lot of us could say that now, or at least have many times before. It's always times like these when I think...

About 98% of the world would like to be in my position right now. But instead, they are facing hardships and trials. They have to worry about food for the night, a place to sleep, and other things. These people are struggling, not just through the years, weeks, or days, but even hours and minutes. They have to worry about so many things that I don't. I know I can always get food, sleep in my bed, wear clean clothes, the simplest things that to us are necessities. We can't go a day without these things and we don't even think about it, because we don't have to. I couldn't even imagine about having to worry about all of these things all at once all the time. It's amazing how much God has blessed me. Even when I think everything is going wrong and everyone in the world hates me, I still have it so much better. I almost feel bad about it, that I'm spoiled. I have everything I need given to me freely. Thinking this way makes things seem much different...

Sometimes I start thinking that I deserve certain things. "Mom, you have to buy this for me! You're my mother!!" "Celeste, you have to do ______ for me because I did ________ for you!!" Things like that. But in all honesty, I don't deserve anything good at all, because I'm no good. The goodness in me is not of me, but of Jesus. If it weren't for Jesus, I would be nothing. The only thing that keeps me going is Him. I'm rotten and fallen, along with the rest of humanity, but I have it so dang good.

With all that said, pray for those who are struggling. Every bad situation you think you've had, someone else has had a thousand times worse. Pray for those people. They need it, and they need Jesus. The only One that is worthy of demanding your life.

Invisible

It's dark, so dark
Where's my mommy?
Mommy! Mommy! Where are you?
The bad men got me
They beat me up
They've hurt me, mommy
I thought I was going to see you
Why aren't you here, mommy?
Why won't you come get me?
They're making me do bad things
Horrible, nasty, ugly things
Where are you?
I can barely move
They gave me medicine
They told me it was so "it wouldn't hurt"
Why, mommy, why?
I have so many scars
My body can't take it anymore
The bad men, they're awful mommy
But I can't do anything about it
I need help.

...but have everlasting life.

Do you ever stop to think? Does anyone ever do that anymore? Or do we just live our lives as we see fit? Too often, we get stuck in these "convenient" bubbles. Life goes good, so we do anything in our power to keep it that way. However, what's really happening? Are we really living the best, safest, fullest way? Or are we just keeping our power flips switched on till the battery dies out? Seems like a lot of questions to ask yourself.

Sometimes things happen and it puts things into perspective. We always want attention in one way or another. For someone to feel bad for us and all our "troubles"; for someone to praise us; or for someone just to love us. Anything to get people to pay attention to us. Yet while doing so, we overlook everyone else who really isn't getting any attention.

Last month, I went to LA. It was a lot of fun, we did a lot of cool things, and I had a blast. But that trip did a lot more for me in the long run then I was expecting. While I was there, I was able to talk to homeless folk. These folk have more passion than anyone else that I ever encounter. The reason being that they have nothing. No food; shelter; pillow to lie on, or blanket to cover themselves. Their bathrooms are the streets and their beds are the sidewalks. Their best bet for food is organizations that come through, random nice people that make their way down, or the closest trashcan. Human trafficking, the issue I am most passionate about, puts things into perspective as well. I live in a lovely home. My parents and family love me. We have money, a constant source of food, a means for education, anything that I need to survive. And yet, there are girls out there my age, not too far from where I live, who are being bought and sold just like this keyboard that my fingers are flying on. They are seen as mere objects; things that can be replaced when one dies. They are being used so men can have their way with them; their innocence and purity sold as if it is merely something you could pick up at your closest Target. This all helped my perspective greatly.

Now as to how I got to understanding that perspective is another story. You see, I was, for a long time, a very shy person. Ask my parents; I had a hard time talking to people, even waiters at restaurants. Why I signed up for that trip is still amazing to me and those who knew me then. However, since then, a lot of things have happened. When I signed up for the trip, I trusted God would lead me there and that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing. Boy, is God the planner. Everything went smoother than I could have imagined. I learned how to talk to people, how to deal with things. I went from having trouble talking at all to talking in public. That all was changing, but still before the trip, I was a little nervous and quite nearly having second thoughts. But God...

It was the day before leaving and I was feeling the nerves. People were praying for me and talking to me more and more about it and boy, was I realizing that the time had come. I remember sitting under my Dad's teaching that day and that was when I woke up... I don't think he was planning on it, but he started talking about Christ's death. He was going into details of what happened there. Here's what it was:

Christ was beaten over and over again with whips and chains. His back was bleeding a river and the gashes were deep enough to stick your finger in. His bones and muscles were glowing a bright, beautiful, hideous scarlet. After that, they stuck a crown of thorns on His head. Not thorns on your mom's rose bush, but long thorns that could work as toothpicks for after your dinner. He was then forced to carry a splintered long in the shape of a cross. It had been used before as a means to hang people, so the wood is full of bacteria and all sorts of illnesses. The splinters were digging deep into His fresh, bloody gouges on His back. He was then nailed to the tree. Nails that were as big as steaks that you use to keep your tent down when you camp. More germy splinters piercing into His skin. He was put upright, hanging on the cross. He was suffocating because of the gravity pulling Him down. He was growing weaker and weaker, making it harder and harder to breathe. They speared His side to kill Him faster, because our Jesus is strong. There were scoffers and mockers in the crowd. They were pointing and laughing and making jokes at my God, my Savior, my Lord, my Jesus as He hung there in my place. My place. MY place...

That's when I realized it. Jesus did all that... for me. I was amongst the scoffers, amongst those who hated Him, who rebuked Him, who despised Him.

Why would someone do that for a rotten soul who hates them? What on earth would possess a person to do that? I'll tell you what: Love. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not die, but have ever lasting life.

That put a lot more things into perspective. Jesus did all of that for lousy me and I'm too scared to talk to people? No, I must talk to people. I must tell people about what Jesus did for me and what He did for them. That was my breakthrough, my realization. When God truly opened my eyes to this. I'd always heard it, but never understood it. Thanks to His providence, I now do.

That is why I try to talk to people now, why I want to do mission work, why I talk about human trafficking, why I do anything I do. Now I can see things with a better understanding. The next time I whine because my clothes are dirty, I should rejoice that I have any. The next time I complain about doing the dishes, I should rejoice because I ate food from them. The next time I grumble about my mother sending me to bed so I can get up for school, I should rejoice that I have a loving mother who teaches and educates me and cares enough to want to send me to the bed that I actually have. All this and more. I try not to take life for granted, or the things I have for granted. It could be gone in the blink of an eye. So many people don't have a fraction of what I do, what you do. They would do anything for it, even go to extremes and beyond.

In comparison, you don't have it bad. At all. No matter how bad things may seem, there is always someone suffering worse. And the One person who suffered the worse from anyone else in all of history did just that for the scoffers, the mockers, the sinners, the haters, the prostitutes, the scumbags, the tax collectors, the losers, the misfits, the broken, the bruised. Tell the world of this Jesus. Count what you have and not what you don't. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not die, but have everlasting life.

Upward not inward.

As time slips by, I lose my trust
It grows a mind of it's own, it seems
My hope goes off on a different path
Or is it me that leaves?
Does the faith leave me or I it?
Hope, faith, trust, love
Do they have minds of their own?
No, I am the one with the mind
I do with my companions as I please
My faith, my hope, my trust, my love
I steer those to where they should go
The part that is lucky for me is this
Where they need to be is magnetic
It pulls them closer with an invisible force
It shows that even though I can't see it
Something is there
Something is pulling me and all I have closer
Closer to the prize
Closer to where I need to be
Closer, closer, closer, closer

Love is your movement.

It's been a while since I've posted. That's odd, really. I mean, a lot has happened. And at the same time...not. I'm still happy and jubilant about life and things happening. Here's a quick update.

A week from Monday, I'm going to LA. Yes, LA. I'm going for a missions trip. I'm sure you've probably heard about it. I talk about it a lot. I'm pretty stoked. It's finally hit me that I'm going and that it's soon, so now I'm on my toes. Donations are much appreciated, but I would really appreciate prayer. You really have no idea how much it means to me to have people think about me and ask God to help me. If you could please do that, I would be very grateful.

Also, I've been thinking a lot lately about love. I know I talk about it all the time, but there's so many different views of it. On the one hand, we make it out to be an amazing thing. It is that, but a lot of times we skew it into something that's false. It's not always what love should be. On the other hand, we make it out to be a horrible, terrifying monster. We act as if love is something you want to stay away from for a very long time. Then there's love in it's purest form. The totally selfless love that we have for one another. The love where you care about that person more than you care about them loving you.

I think that's where love gets messed up. We love people...but only if they love us back. It's an "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" relationship. I know I get that way sometimes. Or if I think that that person doesn't love me, then I lose a small sense of hope. This is a wrong view of what love is. That's why I've been thinking about it more. I want to love the right way, the selfless way, the Godly way. I don't want to conform to what the world says about love. About how it's only worth it if you get a relationship out of it.

No, I want to love people for their sake and not mine. That's how God loves us. He send His only begotten Son for a bunch of misfits, criminals, and honestly, enemies. God knows what He's saying when He tells us to love our enemies. He died for His.

That's something that will always amaze me. God loved me before I was even here. He loved me while I hated Him. He loved me because of me. Not for any forseen goodness or anything like that. He loved me just because. I find that so amazing. Since I, as a believer, try to be like Christ, I need to learn to love in this way. And so should every other believer.

There are many parts to love. Love is action, not words. Love is selfless, not selfish. The list goes on and on. What we have to learn is how to love the right way. I know I'm repeating myself now, but I really think it's important. Love is not about getting butterflies when you see someone and hoping they feel the same. No, it's much more than that. The words can't even begin to describe.

Love is the movement. Love is your movement. The question is: will you move?

So I sit here in retrospect.

So lately, I've been thinking a lot. There's a lot of amazing things happening to me now and I've just been pondering it. The more I think about where I am right now, then I start thinking more about where I was. If things are so amazing now, then what was it before, ya know? So that's just something I've been going over.

I'm mental. Really, really, really mental. I over think everything. To the extreme. You've read some of my over-thinking blogs, maybe. You've seen just how crazy I can get. I take one little comment to mean that that person hates me with all of their life. That's not very fair, especially to that other person. I've realized my extremely low expectations for everyone. Really amazing people, too, who deserve higher expectations than what I've given them. I'm slowly getting over that. It's very nice, I'll tell ya. I have issues often, though. I still can't help but think that everybody that I deeply care about don't give a rats behind about me. Maybe not that low. I just don't expect anyone to recognize me. I feel invisible. But I've been finding out that that's not the case. While I feel invisible or that I should be invisible, I'm finding out that I'm really not. People actually think about me and talk about me in positive ways. For a while, I've just assumed that everyone only said bad things about me. It makes me sad thinking about that. I mean, I've had all of my friends leave me. A few times, actually. Every time, I thought those people would always be there for me. But even then, I was ditched ice-cold.

I'm pretty sure that's where I got this painfully low self-esteem from. I mean, I'm never really one for "self-esteem" crap. And I definitely that if I just "look to myself" I'll magically "find all the answers". However, I do feel a little worth something. These people who are in my life now have made a really huge impact.

This past week, we went on a family ski vacation with my grandparents. Something I realized in retrospect was kind of eye-opening. This was the first time in I think 4 years that I hadn't tried to lose weight before seeing them. My grandpa is really huge on staying fit and in shape and I always felt that there were times where I just wasn't good enough. The whole "fat" thing ate at me for a while. I think this was the first week where I actually ate everyday. And three meals, no less. It was incredible! I mean yeah, I think I gained back the 20 pounds I had lost, but there's something new to it. I don't feel like I need anyone to validate me anymore. My dad always said when we got in fights and when they say terrible things about us, he says that "we don't need those people to validate us". While that's very hard for me, it finally clicked. I think it's helped to have these new friends around.

Here's the thing about these friends: I don't feel like I need them to validate me. Why? Because they aren't like that. These are people that I'm not worried to be myself around. I'm finally letting lose and finding out what my true personality is. I'm not scared anymore. My friends now I trust aren't the kind of people who will stop talking to me if I say something really odd (which I do) or wear two different shoes or break out into dance at random times. It's rather freeing to be yourself and not worry about what the rest of the world is thinking.

Something else I love is that they actually seem to care. Truly, deeply care. They seem happy to see me when they do. They ask when they'll get to see me again. They make an effort to be my friend. That's something that I haven't seen in a very long time. It's been a while since I've gone some place new and people actually came up and started talking to me. It's nice to see that there still are those people out there.

This isn't a very deep blog. I know that I normally explore the depths of something hidden in the shelves and nooks of life. But today, I think I'm just happy. And looking at my life in comparison. With not feeling like I need people to validate me and me finding out who I truly am, things have been going smoothly. A perfect time for worship. God is too good to me. I still ask for more and He still gives it. It's amazing how He does that. He's the only one who I trust won't ditch me because I'm not as pretty as Celeste or I'm a little funky. And He knows that I needed a lot of that in my little life. And here it is. I'm eternally grateful.

Thank You, God. Thank You forever, and ever, and evermore. Amen.



Peace, love, and more love.

:|][|:

Wow. I am happy. Enraptured, ecstatic, jubilant, on cloud nine, and more. I can't express just how happy I am right now. It's times like these where I make sure that I'm focusing on Who I need to.

You know, there are times when things just don't seem to go right. Situation after situation, problem after problem, all these things get you down. People always say "when things are bad, we seem to run to God". People also say "when things are good, it's easy for us to praise God". Well, I'm gonna go with the latter for now. God has been far too good to me lately. It's amazing. I can see so much more progress in my life in the past 3 weeks than I have my whole life. I mean, the things I'm doing now, the friends I have, the things I say, it's so amazing. The reason I think it's so amazing is because I'm comparing it.

In the summer, I was a sad person. I felt so alone. While I still had God and Switchfoot, I was a very lonely person. I found out that not a lot of people like me, so I just didn't bother. I would have happy phases and sad phases. I dealt with depression and mood swings. That's not to say I'm "cured" or whatever now. I still have struggles with my sadness and grief. But God's showing the sunshine behind my shadows. The sunshine is so beautiful if you'd quit staring at the shadows.

I'm so grateful for the people I have in my life now. I know that these are genuine people and they won't leave my side. I have problems with my head. I always think that people hate me. Everyone. Even if they tell me otherwise. I thought that about these people for a little bit there, too. But now, I don't have that problem. There's this peaceful, sort of euphoria in my heart now. I trust these people. And I trust them lots. With my problems, my emotions, all of it. I know that these are great friends.

I can't tell you how happy I am. It's amazing what God uses. While my Switchfoot craze has died down a little bit (shocker, I know!!), God used that for a positive influence in my life. He used that to get me where I am now. "Fear is a lonely man". I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't heard that. Isn't it so cool what He uses to get your attention? That's something that I'll always remember and I'll carry it with me everywhere.

People ask me what that means. And I tell them. I tell them the story behind why it's written on my arm as well. I keep that line with me everywhere I go. It helps me remember where I was. I was a lonely man. A very, very, very lonely man. And I found out why. God showed me. By means of Switchfoot lyrics. I owe Him my life. No matter how good He has made it. He deserves all this happiness in me. Because He put it there.

Peace, love, and new friends.

Change is something that has been on everybody's mind lately. A change in politics, government, education, the list goes on. Everyone is focusing on this revolution and making feeble attempts at shaping a better America. However, it seems that the change we should really be focusing on is nowhere in sight. What really needs transforming is us. The musician Jon Foreman once said "I don't think we can solve the outside problems until we solve the ones within". These words bear an abundant amount truth that we should apply into our everyday lives. The only way this world could become the place we want it to be is if that spark is lit in our own hearts. There was this spark of change in the hearts of all of history's finest men and women. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., George Washington, and the Pilgrims changed not only their worlds, but the rest of history. They did not settle with mediocrity and just getting by. Rather, they attacked the world, despite the rocks thrown at them, despite what people thought, and despite themselves. We must have this same mindset. The change most needed is the change in us. With that, we can make the world a better place.

Come on, prove me wrong.

So uhm, this week has been the best in a while. Monday I saw co-op friends, Tuesday was a game, Wednesday I visited a friends church, Thursday I saw Fiction Family (yes, I met Jon Foreman in the flesh. I still am in total awe), Friday was another game and afterwards we had an awesome time with a load of people at Mickey D's. Then today was the girls gymnastics meet. It has been a great week full of laughter and joy, happiness and calm. I thank God for sending this week my way. Nothing is perfect, no. So there were some down things. But if I dwell on that, then I'll never be happy in life. Which is kind of where I'm going with this blog.

I just got out of the shower. That seems pointless, but I swear Einsten found out half the crap he did in the shower. Anyways, while I was in there I realized something; I have some serious trust issues. I don't think I ever thought of it that way, but it's true. Why do I say that? Well, I remember everything that any person has ever told me about me, the faces they make, the tone's of their voices, etc etc. I analyze all of that in my head and about 85-90% of the time, I come to the conclusion that whoever that person is, hates me. I don't know why, but I do. Honestly, it's a terrible way to live. Going around constantly worrying that people, that you really like and care for in a genuine way, hate you. It makes me sick to my stomach. I know there's humility, then there's just...stupid. I mean, for real. So as of now, I'm going to fix that. Just because I was told that, for example, I'm bad at games doesn't make me hated. Why would I think that way? That's just a ridiculous thing to think. Or just because a person wasn't overly ecstatic about something that you said means they don't like you. Or you talk to a person on the internet. Heck, I wish random people would talk to me on the internet. Or maybe even just because your little sister has been asked out and had "admirers" for goodness know's how long and you...nothing. I gotta admit, I get a little jealous of Celeste at times. She is very, very pretty. Everybody thinks she's older than me, so they all go for her. I feel almost as if I'm in my little sister's shadow. How sad is that? Haha. However, I have had my two compliments. I'll hold on tight to those, man.

Anyways, yeah, I realized that. I think I'm getting better. Of course, it helps to have the amazing new friends that I now do. People who I honestly think like me and enjoy hanging out with me. I mean, I don't think I have to be "pretty" to have awesome friends or get asked out. Why does that even matter to me? I honestly don't want it to and it doesn't all that much. But I think I just feel like I have to be wanted. I know that's a terrible thing, but I think we all think that at times. We want to feel like there are people who want us in their lives. I never think that way, and it gets rather sad. I mean, I'm grateful for a lot of people in my life, but I have no clue what they think of me. I don't know if some of my greatest friends consider me one of their greatest friends.

However, I know that this is irrational thinking and that it can be fixed. I don't need people to validate me. Nor do I need a high social status just for social status' sake. I need Jesus. And I have Jesus. Even though I can't always see Him doesn't make Him not there, caring for me and loving me. I'm a mess, I truly am. Yet I believe that my God can take on anything, even the crazed brain that I have. There are plenty of things that He's done for me already. Dying on the cross for the terrible person that is me is definitely one of them. And the main one, at that. While I wonder why someone would die for me and the things that I've done, I know that He has and that He won't leave me. I trust that whatever happens happens for a reason and that people are in my life for specific reasons as well. There are some amazing people in my life right now, and I know that there has to be some amazing reason for it. I'm really excited to see what will end up happening in these new friendships. I shouldn't doubt people. That's my problem.

So, right now I'm going to stop doubting. It's a sad way to live. So I won't do that anymore.

Goodnight.

Fear is a lonely man.

So, I figured that since I haven't posted in a while that maybe I should. Writing helps to explore the depths of the heart, mind, and soul. So I am writing :)

Anyways, I'm going to still say that 2009 has been extremely bipolar. Without going into any details, I was somewhat miserable last week. Actually, I thought I was on the verge of just nothingness. I was so distraught that I could barely function. Couldn't eat, sleep, or even focus on anything. By the end of the week, I had a massive headache from the crying and the screaming voices in my head. I was very upset with myself. I wasn't mad at God or anybody, just myself. You know when that happens? You do, or are doing, something wrong and you don't know how to get out of it so you just live incredibly miserable and not knowing what to do? Well, it stinks. Like a rotten tomato to the face. Wearing gym shoes.

However, it's amazing how you get over these things. You see, all last year, I was a pretty lonely person. In a really bad way, too. I had friends basically all on the internet and hardly anyone in real life. It wasn't until I finally did something just a week and a half ago did I figure this out. You see, God made men to live in a community. To be with each other. When you go on your own for a while and not see people, it makes you go insane. Trust me, I know. When I was thinking about this, it made me just sink to the bottom of myself. Then I didn't know how to get out. I decided that music would help some so I turned it up loud and put on a playlist. Songs were playing that I'd heard a million times before, so I wasn't paying much attention, but I did calm down. I was talking with God and asking for help. He can respond fast.

Innocence Again by Switchfoot started playing. I'd liked this song a lot before and it was one of my favorites, but there was something different that stuck out at me. I wasn't listening until he said "fear is a lonely man".

"Aha!!" I thought. "That's what it is! That's why I'm so miserable! That's been my problem for the whole time! Why didn't I realize this earlier?!"

Since then, I have felt a load better. I don't think about the saddest or the worst things possible. I look on the bright side. I've made some money this week for the trip in LA, I've been working responsibly at home, and most important, to me, I've made friends. And awesome ones, mind you. It's helped a load.

So, if you're struggling with something. Anything at all. Whether it be girl/boy problems, spiritual problems, mental, physical, etc etc, hang out with some people. Make a few new friends. Look for a new social outlet. It helps a lot. And it further shows how we were made in the image of God. We aren't like this by way of accident ;)

Peace.

Sometimes we need pills.

Wow, 2009 has got to be the most bipolar year ever, and it's day 2. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that, but I'm going to laugh. Ha ha ha.

Don't you hate it when things just don't seem to go right? Like with every good thing that there is, there has to be a bad to correspond with it? To even it out? It's as if the old eastern religion of Taoism bears some truth in such times. It's easy to get let down. To just give up all together and do nothing. Just sit and cry to yourself. Or have conversations with people in your head. Things that you want to say or would have said going on inside your head. Thinking of what that person might say back to you. Just to tell them why and how they hurt you so badly and to walk away from them as they seemed to have done to you. This happens more often then not. But every time I start thinking these things, it's like a little red flag goes off. "No, Cecelia", it says. "I know you know better than this. Don't do it. Do what's right. You know what's right. Do that". If you're a Christian, you know what I'm talking about. The Holy Spirit. Yup, God still talks to us. No matter how strange that may sound, He does in one way or another.

There are still times where I just want to tell someone exactly what I'm thinking and not care what they say back. Just to tell them how wrong they are for doing something or another. But thank God I know better.

Lately I've been learning a lot about patience and remaining calm. It gets very, very, very hard sometimes. I even cry at times. Sometimes I'll rant to myself. Listen to a song and think hard. I get so upset, a terrible combination of anger and grief, that I just want to go scream. "How DARE you say such a thing!" I might say. "The nerve to say this to me! Don't you know any better?! I know your parents taught you better than THAT!! I want an apology and I want it now. I have been hurt so bad and I deserve an apology from you! I tried to let this go, but you left the ringing in my ears. It's painful. The echoing in my head! I want a sincere apology, now! Or we won't be friends!!" Yeah, rants like this in my head. They can go on for a while.

It's amazing how unfair the world almost tries to be. Someone seems to do a huge, terrible thing and people let that go. But you, or I, do one little thing, or even nothing at all, and it get's a loud, unfair rebuke, complete with Bible passages and quotes. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Never is. Never will be. At least, on this earth.

When everything around me seems to fall apart, I try really hard to focus on the good things. I'll put on "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" and listen to it carefully. Then I'll talk to some of my amazingly awesome friends and reminisce of good times. I'll say they're awesome and they say the same thing to me. It helps so much. It brings more joy back into my life. I can see God standing there, arms open wide. He's there because I fell down on my road of life and He is picking me back up. I had a concussion and was in the black for a while. Totally motionless. Then Jesus wakes me up to get me back on track and let life roll on again.

I live for these moments. When I realize how things aren't all in my hands, but in God's. It's always a great eye-opener. I am then so happy to be alive. Going from thoughts of removing myself from everything to being joyous just because I love the feeling.

This, my friends, is what's truly worth living for.