So I sit here in retrospect.

So lately, I've been thinking a lot. There's a lot of amazing things happening to me now and I've just been pondering it. The more I think about where I am right now, then I start thinking more about where I was. If things are so amazing now, then what was it before, ya know? So that's just something I've been going over.

I'm mental. Really, really, really mental. I over think everything. To the extreme. You've read some of my over-thinking blogs, maybe. You've seen just how crazy I can get. I take one little comment to mean that that person hates me with all of their life. That's not very fair, especially to that other person. I've realized my extremely low expectations for everyone. Really amazing people, too, who deserve higher expectations than what I've given them. I'm slowly getting over that. It's very nice, I'll tell ya. I have issues often, though. I still can't help but think that everybody that I deeply care about don't give a rats behind about me. Maybe not that low. I just don't expect anyone to recognize me. I feel invisible. But I've been finding out that that's not the case. While I feel invisible or that I should be invisible, I'm finding out that I'm really not. People actually think about me and talk about me in positive ways. For a while, I've just assumed that everyone only said bad things about me. It makes me sad thinking about that. I mean, I've had all of my friends leave me. A few times, actually. Every time, I thought those people would always be there for me. But even then, I was ditched ice-cold.

I'm pretty sure that's where I got this painfully low self-esteem from. I mean, I'm never really one for "self-esteem" crap. And I definitely that if I just "look to myself" I'll magically "find all the answers". However, I do feel a little worth something. These people who are in my life now have made a really huge impact.

This past week, we went on a family ski vacation with my grandparents. Something I realized in retrospect was kind of eye-opening. This was the first time in I think 4 years that I hadn't tried to lose weight before seeing them. My grandpa is really huge on staying fit and in shape and I always felt that there were times where I just wasn't good enough. The whole "fat" thing ate at me for a while. I think this was the first week where I actually ate everyday. And three meals, no less. It was incredible! I mean yeah, I think I gained back the 20 pounds I had lost, but there's something new to it. I don't feel like I need anyone to validate me anymore. My dad always said when we got in fights and when they say terrible things about us, he says that "we don't need those people to validate us". While that's very hard for me, it finally clicked. I think it's helped to have these new friends around.

Here's the thing about these friends: I don't feel like I need them to validate me. Why? Because they aren't like that. These are people that I'm not worried to be myself around. I'm finally letting lose and finding out what my true personality is. I'm not scared anymore. My friends now I trust aren't the kind of people who will stop talking to me if I say something really odd (which I do) or wear two different shoes or break out into dance at random times. It's rather freeing to be yourself and not worry about what the rest of the world is thinking.

Something else I love is that they actually seem to care. Truly, deeply care. They seem happy to see me when they do. They ask when they'll get to see me again. They make an effort to be my friend. That's something that I haven't seen in a very long time. It's been a while since I've gone some place new and people actually came up and started talking to me. It's nice to see that there still are those people out there.

This isn't a very deep blog. I know that I normally explore the depths of something hidden in the shelves and nooks of life. But today, I think I'm just happy. And looking at my life in comparison. With not feeling like I need people to validate me and me finding out who I truly am, things have been going smoothly. A perfect time for worship. God is too good to me. I still ask for more and He still gives it. It's amazing how He does that. He's the only one who I trust won't ditch me because I'm not as pretty as Celeste or I'm a little funky. And He knows that I needed a lot of that in my little life. And here it is. I'm eternally grateful.

Thank You, God. Thank You forever, and ever, and evermore. Amen.



Peace, love, and more love.