The hard post.

So I was laying in bed last night and I was thinking hard. I have sinned against so many people, and have yet to say sorry to them. I felt so bad, I was about to just tear myself in two. So I asked God's forgiveness, then I came to the conclusion that I was going to do just this: apologize to everyone. Blog about it and make it public. This is going to be really hard and I have butterflies in my stomach right now. So I just ask that if you're on here to forgive me.

1. Christi - I haven't been the true friend that I ought to be. I don't like the blame to be on me so I shift it. It's not right and I apologize.

2. Amanda - I don't always talk nice about you and I have been really convicted about that for a long long time. I ask that you forgive me. I'm super sorry.

3. Lindsey - I took offense from your blog that you posted and I shouldn't have. There was nothing to be upset about. I was never angry I'll have you know. I just didn't respond properly and I am truly sorry.

4. My sisters - I can be really hard on you guys sometimes. Okay, a lot of times. And I am often times a hypocrite for doing so. I need to do the whole speck-plank-eye thing wayyyy more often than I do.

5. Connor - I have been really hard on you too many times. I shouldn't get all in your business. That my problem. I'm still praying for you. I'm sorry for giving you a hard time about things that aren't and of my business and I'm sorry.

6. Caleb - I think a lot of times I lay things on you thick. I'll come to you and just unload. If I'm mad at my parents, then I just unload all my emotion on you. That's really not right. I just need to go to God and have Him help me through it all.

7. Rebekah - Sometimes I'm not the friend that I should be. I give you a hard time about things. I have a tenancy to lecture. I'll be working on that. I'm sorry.

8. Gerry - I haven't been a good friend to you. I don't always say good things about you. I try hard, I really do, but the sin in me wins sometimes. I ask that you'll forgive me. I don't want to lose your friendship.

That's all I got for now. I'll probably come back with more, but for now, I'll leave it at that. That was really hard and I don't know the outcomes, but I think that it was good that it was said. I don't want to lose friendships, but God has been convicting me and the Holy Spirit has been working and when you sin, the outcomes are going to be bad. I hope everyone understands. Thanks for reading.

Popular on the Christian tabloids.

So there's a lot of talk going around about Christians not being the way they should. I totally 100% agree with this. Many of us are not acting the way that we should. Being too strict about stuff and stuff like that.
Then I got thinking, what makes it right that these Christians who are saying that other "Christians" are so wrong? Should we really be talking about them like that? I'll admit, I was talking about it a lot. Really recently actually. Then it hit me, I know some people like this. I'm trying to keep this behind their backs. Isn't that just as wrong. It's very wrong. I mean, there's Christian liberty. Not everyone's going to agree on everything. Actually, nobody will ever agree on everything with another human being. It's fact. I mean, you go out and meet someone and talk about God and everything in the bible and if you agree on every aspect that there is known (granted the 2 of you know everything that is known) then you can come prove me wrong. But for now, I'm pretty positive that I'll never agree with someone on everything. And I'm okay with that. For all I know, I can be wrong on some things too. I know that I have the big picture right. God is the God of the universe; Jesus is His son; Jesus died on the cross for sinners like you and me; the virgin birth; the trinity. That's mostly it. That's all that really matters. Everything else I believe there is just error. WE learned about this at church. We did this class that I loved. It was taught by our pastor and it was awesome. I learned a ton. Anyways, he talked about "heresy" and "error". Basically, heresy is a belief that can lead people to hell. Telling someone they can work for their salvation, that's heresy. Error is something that can't lead people to hell, it's just a little off. I'm not going to give an example because I don't want anyone mad at me, but you know what I mean. Learning this helped me a lot in my Christian faith and ministry. Basically, we just need to spread the Gospel and preach it truly, and let people come to their own beliefs on the things that just don't matter as much as Jesus, like skirts at church and rock music. Personally, I'm not one for skirts and I am one for rock music. But if someone else is, then why should I try to convince them otherwise? The bible talks about these things. It says that if it defies your conscience, then don't do it. If it doesn't, then it's fine. Like music with curse words. I usually don't like to listen to it because I don't like the words pounding in my head. But if you don't mind it, and if it doesn't bother you like it bothers me, then I'll just let you listen. I don't care. I'm not saying that I don't care about people, I just don't care about little things like that. Now if you tell me you're on hard drugs, then I'll be worried haha. But I mean, it's just one of those things. I know people on both sides of the fence. I know what I believe about these things, so that's my beliefs. If you believe different, then that's cool too. I'm just saying what I believe. You know what I mean?
Okay, now time for the song. I'm still in Switchfoot/Jon Foreman/Fiction Family mode, so bear with me.

House of God Forever - Jono.

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quite streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You are with me

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever

God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
Like quiet streams
Even while I'm walking
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
'Cause you are with me
You're always with me

Your shepherd staff
Comforts me
You are my feast
In the presence of enemy
Surely goodness
Follow me
Follow me
In the house of God, forever
In the house of God, forever
In the house of God, forever

I love that song. I want to be in the house of God forever. And I want you to be too.
*alldone!*

Eat fresh.

So today, I got Jono's Spring/Summer dual disc EP set. YAY! I love it. He's so awesome. His songs pwn. Mom liked Your Love Is Strong. Psht, who doesn't? It's really awesome. I also found out how to get tons of songs and videos in my iPod for free. Holy cow, the day is so awesome. And I had Subway for lunch. Eat fresh, that's my motto (haha, not). And on Sunday we got a little bunny. Her name is Lacey (after the lead singer of Flyleaf). She's hxc. She's black and white. Soo cute. I love her. And on Saturday, we leave for CORNERSTONE!! AHH!!! I'M SO EXCITED!! YAYY! And today, I dyed my hair pink. It's awesome. I also babysat lovely kids and got $10. Also awesome.
So if you're waiting for my usual deep and meaningful blog, you're gonna be here for a while. I've got no good advice right now. Just tellin' you about my last few days. I thought it was cool.
So yeah, I'll see ya'll around.

Song of the day:

Revenge - Jon Foreman.

I'm the failure
I'm everyone's fool
And I'm losing my cool at the end

I'm the loser
My number's come up
I've been hung up with thoughts of
Revenge,
Revenge,
Revenge

I watched you
From my terminal view
As you struggled to rise to your end

I laughed hard
At the insults we threw
As the weight of the world found
Revenge

The world hung upside down
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
With my hate for a crown
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
Revenge

I watched heaven
Dying today
And I'm gonna die here tonight

I'm a villain
I deserve to be dead
I've been hung up for
Wreckin' my life
Revenge

So I stopped for a moment
To look at the sun
Dying a day

That's when the irony hit me
That this was revenge
Love had descended
And stolen our pain
Away

We consumed heaven's Son
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
My hate was undone
I drew first blood
I drew first blood
Revenge

Here's a story
How a thief had been robbed
How a murder had stolen my rage

Think of me, Lord
I'm a few breaths away
As my lungs finally rip from the
Cage...
Revenge

Pshtt, totally pwns.

*alldone!*

When life hits ya in the face.

So yesterday was pretty sweet. I mean, nothing great happened, but I got out of the house and I was feeling a little better (from my cold). Also, there were some theological discussions in the family. We were talking about some stuff (can't really say. It's not common knowledge) and it was really good. Then I went downstairs and read this girl's (you know who you are) blog. It was really good. She wanted passion so bad. Now to me, that shows that she is such a believer to want nothing more than just the striving for God. As I was reading, and I was thinking about the conversations I had with the family, I felt so full. Satisfied. Then I realized something else. I don't just up and say "I love God" all that often. So last night I was talking to my friends and I said that. I didn't feel any guilt for saying that because I felt like I actually meant it. It's one of those "coming to an understanding of things I already knew" things. You know? Anyways, it was great. I went to bed feeling full. I was praying all night. I didn't feel any sadness (except for maybe the fact that I have drivers ed this Saturday. Please pray for me). It was so great.
I think often times people don't really feel like that, but they say or even think that they do. People growing up in the church, it seems to me, that often times they end up not really Christians, but they know what a Christian should be. I think lots of times that the kids and teens growing up in church feel like they have to be like Christians. Sometimes I even wish I hadn't been raised in church all my life. I know that sounds bad, but I'll explain. Whenever people go to other countries and they preach the gospel to people who have never heard it before, so many times they seem so full. It's new for them and they accept it. It's beautiful
to see that. I would think like that. I mean, I would just think to myself "Man, if only it was new to me, then maybe I'd get it." I mean, I knew all the stuff that a Christian was supposed to do. I knew all the Bible stories. I memorized the verses. But for a while, I don't think it really ever clicked. In my head I think I would make it click, but it didn't. Now it has. The satisfying feeling is great. I feel like nothing can tear me down now. Now granted there are bad times and I'm going to be upset, but I need to not hold on to things. And I think I'm getting a lot better at that. I mean, last week was a little rough in the friends realm, but now I'm over it. I'm not upset. And I still love those people. A great person on the Switchfoot message boards asked me if I was praying for the people who had a wrong view of me. Honestly, I wasn't. And I'm so happy that he pointed that out to me. I told my mom about that and she said that she loves that he said that. She also said that God worked it out somehow that you can't be mad at the people you're praying for. I totally agree. I'm not upset. And my friend Leah (who just got married) was always a happy person. My mom asked her one time how she was so happy. She replied with a beautiful answer. She said "I just choose not to live my life that way. I choose to live my life always being kind, and happy, and loving. That's how I'm gonna live my life". That was really awesome to me. And that's how I'm gonna live my life. It's important to have a positive outlook on things. I think that it's biblical. I mean, we have to face reality. We have to be honest with ourselves and all that. But we shouldn't live thinking that only bad things are going to happen. It's not biblical. No one likes a pessimist. This is true.
So yeah, here's a song (didn't see it comin' did ya? ;) ) that I really like. It's Your Love is Strong by the one and only, Jon Foreman. It's a total praise and worship song. I love love love it.

Heavenly Father
You always amaze me
Let Your kingdom come in my world
And in my life

Give me the food I need
To live through today
Forgive me as I forgive
The people that wrong me

Lead me far from temptation
Deliver me from the evil one

I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place

I walk to the meadow
And stare at the flowers
Better dressed than any girl
On her wedding day

So why should I worry?
Why do I freak out?
God knows what I need
You know what I need!

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

The kingdom of the heavens
Is now advancing
Invade my heart
Invade this broken town

The kingdom of the heavens
Is buried treasure
Would you sell yourself
To buy the one you've found

Two things you told me
That you are strong
And you love me
Yes, you love me

Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong
Your love is
Your love is
Your love is strong

Our God in Heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Above all names
Your kingdom come
Your will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven
Give us, today, our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices
And deliver us from these prisons


Isn't it just lovely? I want to sing it in church someday. Go here as well:

He's awesome. God's awesomer.
;)
*alldone!*

Where can you run to escape from yourself?

You know, right now I feel like crap. I learned that hardly anyone at my church likes me. That's rough. I feel so down, like I've sunk to the lowest part of me. Like no one really cares or loves me. Teenagers are stupid. All of 'em. Even me. I'm stupid. People can be so repulsive sometimes. I know I can too. I just can't believe some of the stuff that has happened. I'm not mad at anyone anymore, but I feel almost as if I have nothing left now to lose. I want to go somewhere far. Runaway, faraway. I feel like I'm in a hole that I didn't even dig. I feel like I was skipping through a meadow happy to be alive then someone came along and dug a drench for me to fall into and never get out of. Gosh, what now? I'm not angry, at all. I'm just letdown. But hey, I guess that's where a song comes in and reminds me of Who I'm living for, and that's it's not myself or my friends:

The Beautiful Letdown - Switchfoot.

It was a beautiful let down
When I crashed and burned
When I found myself alone unknown and hurt
It was a beautiful let down
The day I knew
That all the riches this world had to offer me
Would never do

In a world full of bitter pain and bitter doubt
I was trying so hard to fit in, fit in,
Until I found out
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But I don't belong

It was a beautiful let down
When you found me here
Yeah for once in a rare blue moon I see everything clear
I'll be a beautiful let down
That's what I'll forever be
And though it may cost my soul
I'll sing for free
We're still chasin our tails and the rising sun
And our dark water planet's
Still spinning in a race
Where no one wins and no one's one

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I'm gonna set sight and set sail for the kingdom come
I will carry a cross and a song where I don't belong
But i don't belong
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Kingdom come
Your kingdom come

Won't you let me down yeah
Let my foolish pride
Forever let me down

Easy living, not much like your name
Easy dying, you look just about the same
Won't you please take me off your list
Easy living please come on and let me down

We are a beautiful let down,
Painfully uncool,
The church of the dropouts
The losers, the sinners, the failures and the fools
Oh what a beautiful let down
Are we salt in the wound
Let us sing one true tune

I don't belong here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here
Feels like I don't belong here
Let me down
Let me down
Feels like I'm let down
Let me down.
Cuz I don't belong here
Please
Won't you let me down?

The kingdom come: that's where I belong.
*alldone!*

You know what I love?

I really love it when people don't get mad at me for not believing exactly what they believe, and we agree to disagree. When that happens, I feel a certain peace inside me. I love it when people really have a strong belief and when others disagree, they don't get mad. I try to do that same thing. I think that it's very important to never show anger, disapproval, or exclusion. I believe we need to show love, generosity, kindness, and compassion. That's something the world needs more of. It says so right in the bible. We live in a sin-sick world, and Satan is the prince, says that right in the bible as well! I like to think about these things, and with the help of other Christians around me and their beliefs and the way they present them, I have come to this:
We love God because He first loved us. Christ's love is shown through us. I mean, it's not like Christ depends on us loving people to love others, but as John Piper says, "God gets the most glory from us when we are most satisfied in Him." This is true. When Christians go up to un-believers and basically tell them "You have to believe exactly what I believe and you have to do exactly what this book tells you to do, or you are going to Hell to burn forever and ever", you aren't going to get the desired outcome. Unbelievers won't go for that. And I'm sure if you were in that position, you wouldn't either. But when you go to people in love and don't force beliefs, when you are so happy you can't stand it, when you always have a positive look, when no matter what people do to you, you don't get torn down, things like this. When other people see this, they'll go "I want what that person wants", I believe that's how the job is done. I mean, if a mother forces a child to do a sport, but they hate it, do you think they have respect for it? No, and not their mother much for that matter. But if a child sees what people are doing in a sport, and they want to do it, to have the satisfaction that that person has doing it, and their mother 100% supportive and let's them do it and is only happy for them, then that child will have a lot of respect for that sport and for their mother as well. I think this is how it should be like in evangelism. We were told to present the gospel, to help people learn more about Jesus, and to preach the bible in it's entirety. We were not told to save people or scare people into thinking our way just so you can have a precise number. You see what I'm getting at here? There is a specific commandment we were given by Jesus, the Great Commission, and I believe that people have taken that wayy too far. We can't save people, God does. There's nothing we can do about that, all we can do is what God has told us to do. We aren't Jesus, we aren't divinity, we aren't a "supernatural being" if you will, we are simple servants and children of God with one purpose: to proclaim the gospel wherever we go. Not force, no, not that at all. Proclaim. And we must do this in love. The bible does talk about approaching in love. People do have problems, and they should be pointed out, but in a loving manner. I believe when we are more open with other people, then they will be more open with us.
It's a beautiful thing, salvation. But people can't get saved if they don't hear the gospel. We mustn't fail God. We must do what He has commanded, in love for others and for Him. There is hope, and the world needs it. So, I "dare you to move, to lift yourself up off the floor". ;)
*alldone!*

Blue like jazz.

For those of you who know, that's a book. I've heard a lot about it, so I decided to check it out at the library. I like it. It's good, though I don't agree with the guy on all of his theology. I mean, I don't think he's a heretic, I just disagree on one little thing. He keeps saying that we need to "choose" to follow Jesus. I don't agree with that for a few little reasons. First, I believe that Jesus picks us first, not us choosing. Also, I don't believe that Jesus died for everyone. I know that sounds terrible, but if He died for everyone ever, then why are there people in hell? Did His work on the cross only help a little bit? No, in the cross He said "it is finished". So that's just a little disagreement I have with this guy, and I don't think he's going to hell for it.
So yeah, but other than that, I like a lot of what this guy has to say. I like what he says about how we should approach unbelievers and stuff. He's also talking about something that I relate with and that's how Christianity doesn't always feel real, like it's one's and zeros, a math problem. I like how he distinguishes that with Christian spirituality. That's really good.
I don't have time to type out a full blog, but I think this is good enough for now.
Plus, I'm starving.
Later!
*alldone!*