Come on, prove me wrong.

So uhm, this week has been the best in a while. Monday I saw co-op friends, Tuesday was a game, Wednesday I visited a friends church, Thursday I saw Fiction Family (yes, I met Jon Foreman in the flesh. I still am in total awe), Friday was another game and afterwards we had an awesome time with a load of people at Mickey D's. Then today was the girls gymnastics meet. It has been a great week full of laughter and joy, happiness and calm. I thank God for sending this week my way. Nothing is perfect, no. So there were some down things. But if I dwell on that, then I'll never be happy in life. Which is kind of where I'm going with this blog.

I just got out of the shower. That seems pointless, but I swear Einsten found out half the crap he did in the shower. Anyways, while I was in there I realized something; I have some serious trust issues. I don't think I ever thought of it that way, but it's true. Why do I say that? Well, I remember everything that any person has ever told me about me, the faces they make, the tone's of their voices, etc etc. I analyze all of that in my head and about 85-90% of the time, I come to the conclusion that whoever that person is, hates me. I don't know why, but I do. Honestly, it's a terrible way to live. Going around constantly worrying that people, that you really like and care for in a genuine way, hate you. It makes me sick to my stomach. I know there's humility, then there's just...stupid. I mean, for real. So as of now, I'm going to fix that. Just because I was told that, for example, I'm bad at games doesn't make me hated. Why would I think that way? That's just a ridiculous thing to think. Or just because a person wasn't overly ecstatic about something that you said means they don't like you. Or you talk to a person on the internet. Heck, I wish random people would talk to me on the internet. Or maybe even just because your little sister has been asked out and had "admirers" for goodness know's how long and you...nothing. I gotta admit, I get a little jealous of Celeste at times. She is very, very pretty. Everybody thinks she's older than me, so they all go for her. I feel almost as if I'm in my little sister's shadow. How sad is that? Haha. However, I have had my two compliments. I'll hold on tight to those, man.

Anyways, yeah, I realized that. I think I'm getting better. Of course, it helps to have the amazing new friends that I now do. People who I honestly think like me and enjoy hanging out with me. I mean, I don't think I have to be "pretty" to have awesome friends or get asked out. Why does that even matter to me? I honestly don't want it to and it doesn't all that much. But I think I just feel like I have to be wanted. I know that's a terrible thing, but I think we all think that at times. We want to feel like there are people who want us in their lives. I never think that way, and it gets rather sad. I mean, I'm grateful for a lot of people in my life, but I have no clue what they think of me. I don't know if some of my greatest friends consider me one of their greatest friends.

However, I know that this is irrational thinking and that it can be fixed. I don't need people to validate me. Nor do I need a high social status just for social status' sake. I need Jesus. And I have Jesus. Even though I can't always see Him doesn't make Him not there, caring for me and loving me. I'm a mess, I truly am. Yet I believe that my God can take on anything, even the crazed brain that I have. There are plenty of things that He's done for me already. Dying on the cross for the terrible person that is me is definitely one of them. And the main one, at that. While I wonder why someone would die for me and the things that I've done, I know that He has and that He won't leave me. I trust that whatever happens happens for a reason and that people are in my life for specific reasons as well. There are some amazing people in my life right now, and I know that there has to be some amazing reason for it. I'm really excited to see what will end up happening in these new friendships. I shouldn't doubt people. That's my problem.

So, right now I'm going to stop doubting. It's a sad way to live. So I won't do that anymore.

Goodnight.