you've been living life like it's a sequel.

you know, sometimes things just hit you in the face. i'm just sitting here listening to some freakin amazing music and just thinking. sort of. i'm also visiting some old friends facebook's and myspace pages. it's weird the friends you had and the friends you have. there was a time in my life where i thought that those friends, who i have no contact with now, were all that mattered while i'm here and breathing. what they thought of me, what they said about me, etc etc. and i see the person i used to be when i was around them. the person that (most people) ended up hating.

fact is, i'm such a different person now, i'd be shocked if they recognized me. it makes me think of what jon foreman says, how in the 24 hours of the day, we can be 24 different people. it's so true. i can't believe how different i am now compared to what i used to be. it's...amazing. i probably wouldn't be friends with the person i once was. it's prety cool how God can change you. i didn't change on purpose. i just went about living my life. the people i count as my best friends now, half of them i didn't even know a year ago. i think i have one really good friend who has been my really good friend for a while now.

isn't it weird how those things happen? i mean, one moment, one person's view of you matters more than anyone else's and the next day, it's someone else. then there comes the question: who's view of you really matters? for me i can really tell who it is when i'm about to do something and i think "well, what would such-and-such say about this?" that's also how i know if i'm not keeping in focus Who should be my focus. my "idolatry check" so to speak. all too often, i think of other people and what they would say in response to my actions, the people around me, and the things that i like and talk about. it's not God as often as it should be. because it's not God all the time. if i were to think of God every single time but one, it wouldn't be enough. if i were to think of God every time, still wouldn't be enough.

i think that's how people's view of God gets skewed. to steal mark foreman's saying, they're, or rather, we're shrinking God down to something. some people want the God who listens to us cry ourselves to sleep. the God who's always with us and never leaves us in the dark. or the God who you don't want catching you with your hand in the cookie jar. the God who keeps you in line and where you should be. though these are true, God is not just one of these things. He's all of these and much, much, much, much more.

isn't it amazing how huge God is? He's massive! He knows everything, everyone, He knows it all! and yet He's so personal. He made us completely different than anything else in creation. He loves us and not the animals or the angels. we can have an amazing relationship with this massive God. He's not our "friend", He's our "father". someone who wants to love us, cherish us, help us, fix us, teach us, He does it all! and this massive God can fit into my heart. my heart that is broken and has been from the start. my dirty, filthy, worldly, ugly, twisted, destroyed, shrunken heart. He fixed that. but in order for Him to fit, He has to make our hearts bigger.

my heart is competely different than it was 2 years ago, 1 year ago, a few months ago, weeks ago, and yesterday. because God is always changing it. making it better. my heart will never be pure, but it will be fixed. it will be able to function the way it was made to function. it will be able to love. and it only gets better and better. it's amazing what God can do to a person. how they can change. how He can always forgive us, even when i run the opposite way.

i remember a long time ago in my old church something that a visiting pastor said. he compared the Christian walk to the mississippi river. "the river is always headed south. it make go west, it may go east, it even goes north sometimes, but it's destination is always south". just like the Christian walk. i may get sidetracked, i may feel like turning around at times, but as long as God is my tour guide, i will end up in the desired destination.

i suppose that's all i have to say. i just spilled. hope you're having a good day. life is short. live it well.

peace,
cecelia.