So, I figured that since I haven't posted in a while that maybe I should. Writing helps to explore the depths of the heart, mind, and soul. So I am writing :)
Anyways, I'm going to still say that 2009 has been extremely bipolar. Without going into any details, I was somewhat miserable last week. Actually, I thought I was on the verge of just nothingness. I was so distraught that I could barely function. Couldn't eat, sleep, or even focus on anything. By the end of the week, I had a massive headache from the crying and the screaming voices in my head. I was very upset with myself. I wasn't mad at God or anybody, just myself. You know when that happens? You do, or are doing, something wrong and you don't know how to get out of it so you just live incredibly miserable and not knowing what to do? Well, it stinks. Like a rotten tomato to the face. Wearing gym shoes.
However, it's amazing how you get over these things. You see, all last year, I was a pretty lonely person. In a really bad way, too. I had friends basically all on the internet and hardly anyone in real life. It wasn't until I finally did something just a week and a half ago did I figure this out. You see, God made men to live in a community. To be with each other. When you go on your own for a while and not see people, it makes you go insane. Trust me, I know. When I was thinking about this, it made me just sink to the bottom of myself. Then I didn't know how to get out. I decided that music would help some so I turned it up loud and put on a playlist. Songs were playing that I'd heard a million times before, so I wasn't paying much attention, but I did calm down. I was talking with God and asking for help. He can respond fast.
Innocence Again by Switchfoot started playing. I'd liked this song a lot before and it was one of my favorites, but there was something different that stuck out at me. I wasn't listening until he said "fear is a lonely man".
"Aha!!" I thought. "That's what it is! That's why I'm so miserable! That's been my problem for the whole time! Why didn't I realize this earlier?!"
Since then, I have felt a load better. I don't think about the saddest or the worst things possible. I look on the bright side. I've made some money this week for the trip in LA, I've been working responsibly at home, and most important, to me, I've made friends. And awesome ones, mind you. It's helped a load.
So, if you're struggling with something. Anything at all. Whether it be girl/boy problems, spiritual problems, mental, physical, etc etc, hang out with some people. Make a few new friends. Look for a new social outlet. It helps a lot. And it further shows how we were made in the image of God. We aren't like this by way of accident ;)
Peace.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Friday, January 2, 2009
Sometimes we need pills.
Wow, 2009 has got to be the most bipolar year ever, and it's day 2. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that, but I'm going to laugh. Ha ha ha.
Don't you hate it when things just don't seem to go right? Like with every good thing that there is, there has to be a bad to correspond with it? To even it out? It's as if the old eastern religion of Taoism bears some truth in such times. It's easy to get let down. To just give up all together and do nothing. Just sit and cry to yourself. Or have conversations with people in your head. Things that you want to say or would have said going on inside your head. Thinking of what that person might say back to you. Just to tell them why and how they hurt you so badly and to walk away from them as they seemed to have done to you. This happens more often then not. But every time I start thinking these things, it's like a little red flag goes off. "No, Cecelia", it says. "I know you know better than this. Don't do it. Do what's right. You know what's right. Do that". If you're a Christian, you know what I'm talking about. The Holy Spirit. Yup, God still talks to us. No matter how strange that may sound, He does in one way or another.
There are still times where I just want to tell someone exactly what I'm thinking and not care what they say back. Just to tell them how wrong they are for doing something or another. But thank God I know better.
Lately I've been learning a lot about patience and remaining calm. It gets very, very, very hard sometimes. I even cry at times. Sometimes I'll rant to myself. Listen to a song and think hard. I get so upset, a terrible combination of anger and grief, that I just want to go scream. "How DARE you say such a thing!" I might say. "The nerve to say this to me! Don't you know any better?! I know your parents taught you better than THAT!! I want an apology and I want it now. I have been hurt so bad and I deserve an apology from you! I tried to let this go, but you left the ringing in my ears. It's painful. The echoing in my head! I want a sincere apology, now! Or we won't be friends!!" Yeah, rants like this in my head. They can go on for a while.
It's amazing how unfair the world almost tries to be. Someone seems to do a huge, terrible thing and people let that go. But you, or I, do one little thing, or even nothing at all, and it get's a loud, unfair rebuke, complete with Bible passages and quotes. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Never is. Never will be. At least, on this earth.
When everything around me seems to fall apart, I try really hard to focus on the good things. I'll put on "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" and listen to it carefully. Then I'll talk to some of my amazingly awesome friends and reminisce of good times. I'll say they're awesome and they say the same thing to me. It helps so much. It brings more joy back into my life. I can see God standing there, arms open wide. He's there because I fell down on my road of life and He is picking me back up. I had a concussion and was in the black for a while. Totally motionless. Then Jesus wakes me up to get me back on track and let life roll on again.
I live for these moments. When I realize how things aren't all in my hands, but in God's. It's always a great eye-opener. I am then so happy to be alive. Going from thoughts of removing myself from everything to being joyous just because I love the feeling.
This, my friends, is what's truly worth living for.
Don't you hate it when things just don't seem to go right? Like with every good thing that there is, there has to be a bad to correspond with it? To even it out? It's as if the old eastern religion of Taoism bears some truth in such times. It's easy to get let down. To just give up all together and do nothing. Just sit and cry to yourself. Or have conversations with people in your head. Things that you want to say or would have said going on inside your head. Thinking of what that person might say back to you. Just to tell them why and how they hurt you so badly and to walk away from them as they seemed to have done to you. This happens more often then not. But every time I start thinking these things, it's like a little red flag goes off. "No, Cecelia", it says. "I know you know better than this. Don't do it. Do what's right. You know what's right. Do that". If you're a Christian, you know what I'm talking about. The Holy Spirit. Yup, God still talks to us. No matter how strange that may sound, He does in one way or another.
There are still times where I just want to tell someone exactly what I'm thinking and not care what they say back. Just to tell them how wrong they are for doing something or another. But thank God I know better.
Lately I've been learning a lot about patience and remaining calm. It gets very, very, very hard sometimes. I even cry at times. Sometimes I'll rant to myself. Listen to a song and think hard. I get so upset, a terrible combination of anger and grief, that I just want to go scream. "How DARE you say such a thing!" I might say. "The nerve to say this to me! Don't you know any better?! I know your parents taught you better than THAT!! I want an apology and I want it now. I have been hurt so bad and I deserve an apology from you! I tried to let this go, but you left the ringing in my ears. It's painful. The echoing in my head! I want a sincere apology, now! Or we won't be friends!!" Yeah, rants like this in my head. They can go on for a while.
It's amazing how unfair the world almost tries to be. Someone seems to do a huge, terrible thing and people let that go. But you, or I, do one little thing, or even nothing at all, and it get's a loud, unfair rebuke, complete with Bible passages and quotes. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Never is. Never will be. At least, on this earth.
When everything around me seems to fall apart, I try really hard to focus on the good things. I'll put on "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" and listen to it carefully. Then I'll talk to some of my amazingly awesome friends and reminisce of good times. I'll say they're awesome and they say the same thing to me. It helps so much. It brings more joy back into my life. I can see God standing there, arms open wide. He's there because I fell down on my road of life and He is picking me back up. I had a concussion and was in the black for a while. Totally motionless. Then Jesus wakes me up to get me back on track and let life roll on again.
I live for these moments. When I realize how things aren't all in my hands, but in God's. It's always a great eye-opener. I am then so happy to be alive. Going from thoughts of removing myself from everything to being joyous just because I love the feeling.
This, my friends, is what's truly worth living for.
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