Love is your movement.

It's been a while since I've posted. That's odd, really. I mean, a lot has happened. And at the same time...not. I'm still happy and jubilant about life and things happening. Here's a quick update.

A week from Monday, I'm going to LA. Yes, LA. I'm going for a missions trip. I'm sure you've probably heard about it. I talk about it a lot. I'm pretty stoked. It's finally hit me that I'm going and that it's soon, so now I'm on my toes. Donations are much appreciated, but I would really appreciate prayer. You really have no idea how much it means to me to have people think about me and ask God to help me. If you could please do that, I would be very grateful.

Also, I've been thinking a lot lately about love. I know I talk about it all the time, but there's so many different views of it. On the one hand, we make it out to be an amazing thing. It is that, but a lot of times we skew it into something that's false. It's not always what love should be. On the other hand, we make it out to be a horrible, terrifying monster. We act as if love is something you want to stay away from for a very long time. Then there's love in it's purest form. The totally selfless love that we have for one another. The love where you care about that person more than you care about them loving you.

I think that's where love gets messed up. We love people...but only if they love us back. It's an "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" relationship. I know I get that way sometimes. Or if I think that that person doesn't love me, then I lose a small sense of hope. This is a wrong view of what love is. That's why I've been thinking about it more. I want to love the right way, the selfless way, the Godly way. I don't want to conform to what the world says about love. About how it's only worth it if you get a relationship out of it.

No, I want to love people for their sake and not mine. That's how God loves us. He send His only begotten Son for a bunch of misfits, criminals, and honestly, enemies. God knows what He's saying when He tells us to love our enemies. He died for His.

That's something that will always amaze me. God loved me before I was even here. He loved me while I hated Him. He loved me because of me. Not for any forseen goodness or anything like that. He loved me just because. I find that so amazing. Since I, as a believer, try to be like Christ, I need to learn to love in this way. And so should every other believer.

There are many parts to love. Love is action, not words. Love is selfless, not selfish. The list goes on and on. What we have to learn is how to love the right way. I know I'm repeating myself now, but I really think it's important. Love is not about getting butterflies when you see someone and hoping they feel the same. No, it's much more than that. The words can't even begin to describe.

Love is the movement. Love is your movement. The question is: will you move?

So I sit here in retrospect.

So lately, I've been thinking a lot. There's a lot of amazing things happening to me now and I've just been pondering it. The more I think about where I am right now, then I start thinking more about where I was. If things are so amazing now, then what was it before, ya know? So that's just something I've been going over.

I'm mental. Really, really, really mental. I over think everything. To the extreme. You've read some of my over-thinking blogs, maybe. You've seen just how crazy I can get. I take one little comment to mean that that person hates me with all of their life. That's not very fair, especially to that other person. I've realized my extremely low expectations for everyone. Really amazing people, too, who deserve higher expectations than what I've given them. I'm slowly getting over that. It's very nice, I'll tell ya. I have issues often, though. I still can't help but think that everybody that I deeply care about don't give a rats behind about me. Maybe not that low. I just don't expect anyone to recognize me. I feel invisible. But I've been finding out that that's not the case. While I feel invisible or that I should be invisible, I'm finding out that I'm really not. People actually think about me and talk about me in positive ways. For a while, I've just assumed that everyone only said bad things about me. It makes me sad thinking about that. I mean, I've had all of my friends leave me. A few times, actually. Every time, I thought those people would always be there for me. But even then, I was ditched ice-cold.

I'm pretty sure that's where I got this painfully low self-esteem from. I mean, I'm never really one for "self-esteem" crap. And I definitely that if I just "look to myself" I'll magically "find all the answers". However, I do feel a little worth something. These people who are in my life now have made a really huge impact.

This past week, we went on a family ski vacation with my grandparents. Something I realized in retrospect was kind of eye-opening. This was the first time in I think 4 years that I hadn't tried to lose weight before seeing them. My grandpa is really huge on staying fit and in shape and I always felt that there were times where I just wasn't good enough. The whole "fat" thing ate at me for a while. I think this was the first week where I actually ate everyday. And three meals, no less. It was incredible! I mean yeah, I think I gained back the 20 pounds I had lost, but there's something new to it. I don't feel like I need anyone to validate me anymore. My dad always said when we got in fights and when they say terrible things about us, he says that "we don't need those people to validate us". While that's very hard for me, it finally clicked. I think it's helped to have these new friends around.

Here's the thing about these friends: I don't feel like I need them to validate me. Why? Because they aren't like that. These are people that I'm not worried to be myself around. I'm finally letting lose and finding out what my true personality is. I'm not scared anymore. My friends now I trust aren't the kind of people who will stop talking to me if I say something really odd (which I do) or wear two different shoes or break out into dance at random times. It's rather freeing to be yourself and not worry about what the rest of the world is thinking.

Something else I love is that they actually seem to care. Truly, deeply care. They seem happy to see me when they do. They ask when they'll get to see me again. They make an effort to be my friend. That's something that I haven't seen in a very long time. It's been a while since I've gone some place new and people actually came up and started talking to me. It's nice to see that there still are those people out there.

This isn't a very deep blog. I know that I normally explore the depths of something hidden in the shelves and nooks of life. But today, I think I'm just happy. And looking at my life in comparison. With not feeling like I need people to validate me and me finding out who I truly am, things have been going smoothly. A perfect time for worship. God is too good to me. I still ask for more and He still gives it. It's amazing how He does that. He's the only one who I trust won't ditch me because I'm not as pretty as Celeste or I'm a little funky. And He knows that I needed a lot of that in my little life. And here it is. I'm eternally grateful.

Thank You, God. Thank You forever, and ever, and evermore. Amen.



Peace, love, and more love.

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Wow. I am happy. Enraptured, ecstatic, jubilant, on cloud nine, and more. I can't express just how happy I am right now. It's times like these where I make sure that I'm focusing on Who I need to.

You know, there are times when things just don't seem to go right. Situation after situation, problem after problem, all these things get you down. People always say "when things are bad, we seem to run to God". People also say "when things are good, it's easy for us to praise God". Well, I'm gonna go with the latter for now. God has been far too good to me lately. It's amazing. I can see so much more progress in my life in the past 3 weeks than I have my whole life. I mean, the things I'm doing now, the friends I have, the things I say, it's so amazing. The reason I think it's so amazing is because I'm comparing it.

In the summer, I was a sad person. I felt so alone. While I still had God and Switchfoot, I was a very lonely person. I found out that not a lot of people like me, so I just didn't bother. I would have happy phases and sad phases. I dealt with depression and mood swings. That's not to say I'm "cured" or whatever now. I still have struggles with my sadness and grief. But God's showing the sunshine behind my shadows. The sunshine is so beautiful if you'd quit staring at the shadows.

I'm so grateful for the people I have in my life now. I know that these are genuine people and they won't leave my side. I have problems with my head. I always think that people hate me. Everyone. Even if they tell me otherwise. I thought that about these people for a little bit there, too. But now, I don't have that problem. There's this peaceful, sort of euphoria in my heart now. I trust these people. And I trust them lots. With my problems, my emotions, all of it. I know that these are great friends.

I can't tell you how happy I am. It's amazing what God uses. While my Switchfoot craze has died down a little bit (shocker, I know!!), God used that for a positive influence in my life. He used that to get me where I am now. "Fear is a lonely man". I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't heard that. Isn't it so cool what He uses to get your attention? That's something that I'll always remember and I'll carry it with me everywhere.

People ask me what that means. And I tell them. I tell them the story behind why it's written on my arm as well. I keep that line with me everywhere I go. It helps me remember where I was. I was a lonely man. A very, very, very lonely man. And I found out why. God showed me. By means of Switchfoot lyrics. I owe Him my life. No matter how good He has made it. He deserves all this happiness in me. Because He put it there.

Peace, love, and new friends.

Change is something that has been on everybody's mind lately. A change in politics, government, education, the list goes on. Everyone is focusing on this revolution and making feeble attempts at shaping a better America. However, it seems that the change we should really be focusing on is nowhere in sight. What really needs transforming is us. The musician Jon Foreman once said "I don't think we can solve the outside problems until we solve the ones within". These words bear an abundant amount truth that we should apply into our everyday lives. The only way this world could become the place we want it to be is if that spark is lit in our own hearts. There was this spark of change in the hearts of all of history's finest men and women. People like Martin Luther King, Jr., George Washington, and the Pilgrims changed not only their worlds, but the rest of history. They did not settle with mediocrity and just getting by. Rather, they attacked the world, despite the rocks thrown at them, despite what people thought, and despite themselves. We must have this same mindset. The change most needed is the change in us. With that, we can make the world a better place.

Come on, prove me wrong.

So uhm, this week has been the best in a while. Monday I saw co-op friends, Tuesday was a game, Wednesday I visited a friends church, Thursday I saw Fiction Family (yes, I met Jon Foreman in the flesh. I still am in total awe), Friday was another game and afterwards we had an awesome time with a load of people at Mickey D's. Then today was the girls gymnastics meet. It has been a great week full of laughter and joy, happiness and calm. I thank God for sending this week my way. Nothing is perfect, no. So there were some down things. But if I dwell on that, then I'll never be happy in life. Which is kind of where I'm going with this blog.

I just got out of the shower. That seems pointless, but I swear Einsten found out half the crap he did in the shower. Anyways, while I was in there I realized something; I have some serious trust issues. I don't think I ever thought of it that way, but it's true. Why do I say that? Well, I remember everything that any person has ever told me about me, the faces they make, the tone's of their voices, etc etc. I analyze all of that in my head and about 85-90% of the time, I come to the conclusion that whoever that person is, hates me. I don't know why, but I do. Honestly, it's a terrible way to live. Going around constantly worrying that people, that you really like and care for in a genuine way, hate you. It makes me sick to my stomach. I know there's humility, then there's just...stupid. I mean, for real. So as of now, I'm going to fix that. Just because I was told that, for example, I'm bad at games doesn't make me hated. Why would I think that way? That's just a ridiculous thing to think. Or just because a person wasn't overly ecstatic about something that you said means they don't like you. Or you talk to a person on the internet. Heck, I wish random people would talk to me on the internet. Or maybe even just because your little sister has been asked out and had "admirers" for goodness know's how long and you...nothing. I gotta admit, I get a little jealous of Celeste at times. She is very, very pretty. Everybody thinks she's older than me, so they all go for her. I feel almost as if I'm in my little sister's shadow. How sad is that? Haha. However, I have had my two compliments. I'll hold on tight to those, man.

Anyways, yeah, I realized that. I think I'm getting better. Of course, it helps to have the amazing new friends that I now do. People who I honestly think like me and enjoy hanging out with me. I mean, I don't think I have to be "pretty" to have awesome friends or get asked out. Why does that even matter to me? I honestly don't want it to and it doesn't all that much. But I think I just feel like I have to be wanted. I know that's a terrible thing, but I think we all think that at times. We want to feel like there are people who want us in their lives. I never think that way, and it gets rather sad. I mean, I'm grateful for a lot of people in my life, but I have no clue what they think of me. I don't know if some of my greatest friends consider me one of their greatest friends.

However, I know that this is irrational thinking and that it can be fixed. I don't need people to validate me. Nor do I need a high social status just for social status' sake. I need Jesus. And I have Jesus. Even though I can't always see Him doesn't make Him not there, caring for me and loving me. I'm a mess, I truly am. Yet I believe that my God can take on anything, even the crazed brain that I have. There are plenty of things that He's done for me already. Dying on the cross for the terrible person that is me is definitely one of them. And the main one, at that. While I wonder why someone would die for me and the things that I've done, I know that He has and that He won't leave me. I trust that whatever happens happens for a reason and that people are in my life for specific reasons as well. There are some amazing people in my life right now, and I know that there has to be some amazing reason for it. I'm really excited to see what will end up happening in these new friendships. I shouldn't doubt people. That's my problem.

So, right now I'm going to stop doubting. It's a sad way to live. So I won't do that anymore.

Goodnight.

Fear is a lonely man.

So, I figured that since I haven't posted in a while that maybe I should. Writing helps to explore the depths of the heart, mind, and soul. So I am writing :)

Anyways, I'm going to still say that 2009 has been extremely bipolar. Without going into any details, I was somewhat miserable last week. Actually, I thought I was on the verge of just nothingness. I was so distraught that I could barely function. Couldn't eat, sleep, or even focus on anything. By the end of the week, I had a massive headache from the crying and the screaming voices in my head. I was very upset with myself. I wasn't mad at God or anybody, just myself. You know when that happens? You do, or are doing, something wrong and you don't know how to get out of it so you just live incredibly miserable and not knowing what to do? Well, it stinks. Like a rotten tomato to the face. Wearing gym shoes.

However, it's amazing how you get over these things. You see, all last year, I was a pretty lonely person. In a really bad way, too. I had friends basically all on the internet and hardly anyone in real life. It wasn't until I finally did something just a week and a half ago did I figure this out. You see, God made men to live in a community. To be with each other. When you go on your own for a while and not see people, it makes you go insane. Trust me, I know. When I was thinking about this, it made me just sink to the bottom of myself. Then I didn't know how to get out. I decided that music would help some so I turned it up loud and put on a playlist. Songs were playing that I'd heard a million times before, so I wasn't paying much attention, but I did calm down. I was talking with God and asking for help. He can respond fast.

Innocence Again by Switchfoot started playing. I'd liked this song a lot before and it was one of my favorites, but there was something different that stuck out at me. I wasn't listening until he said "fear is a lonely man".

"Aha!!" I thought. "That's what it is! That's why I'm so miserable! That's been my problem for the whole time! Why didn't I realize this earlier?!"

Since then, I have felt a load better. I don't think about the saddest or the worst things possible. I look on the bright side. I've made some money this week for the trip in LA, I've been working responsibly at home, and most important, to me, I've made friends. And awesome ones, mind you. It's helped a load.

So, if you're struggling with something. Anything at all. Whether it be girl/boy problems, spiritual problems, mental, physical, etc etc, hang out with some people. Make a few new friends. Look for a new social outlet. It helps a lot. And it further shows how we were made in the image of God. We aren't like this by way of accident ;)

Peace.

Sometimes we need pills.

Wow, 2009 has got to be the most bipolar year ever, and it's day 2. I don't know whether to laugh or cry at that, but I'm going to laugh. Ha ha ha.

Don't you hate it when things just don't seem to go right? Like with every good thing that there is, there has to be a bad to correspond with it? To even it out? It's as if the old eastern religion of Taoism bears some truth in such times. It's easy to get let down. To just give up all together and do nothing. Just sit and cry to yourself. Or have conversations with people in your head. Things that you want to say or would have said going on inside your head. Thinking of what that person might say back to you. Just to tell them why and how they hurt you so badly and to walk away from them as they seemed to have done to you. This happens more often then not. But every time I start thinking these things, it's like a little red flag goes off. "No, Cecelia", it says. "I know you know better than this. Don't do it. Do what's right. You know what's right. Do that". If you're a Christian, you know what I'm talking about. The Holy Spirit. Yup, God still talks to us. No matter how strange that may sound, He does in one way or another.

There are still times where I just want to tell someone exactly what I'm thinking and not care what they say back. Just to tell them how wrong they are for doing something or another. But thank God I know better.

Lately I've been learning a lot about patience and remaining calm. It gets very, very, very hard sometimes. I even cry at times. Sometimes I'll rant to myself. Listen to a song and think hard. I get so upset, a terrible combination of anger and grief, that I just want to go scream. "How DARE you say such a thing!" I might say. "The nerve to say this to me! Don't you know any better?! I know your parents taught you better than THAT!! I want an apology and I want it now. I have been hurt so bad and I deserve an apology from you! I tried to let this go, but you left the ringing in my ears. It's painful. The echoing in my head! I want a sincere apology, now! Or we won't be friends!!" Yeah, rants like this in my head. They can go on for a while.

It's amazing how unfair the world almost tries to be. Someone seems to do a huge, terrible thing and people let that go. But you, or I, do one little thing, or even nothing at all, and it get's a loud, unfair rebuke, complete with Bible passages and quotes. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Never is. Never will be. At least, on this earth.

When everything around me seems to fall apart, I try really hard to focus on the good things. I'll put on "The Shadow Proves the Sunshine" and listen to it carefully. Then I'll talk to some of my amazingly awesome friends and reminisce of good times. I'll say they're awesome and they say the same thing to me. It helps so much. It brings more joy back into my life. I can see God standing there, arms open wide. He's there because I fell down on my road of life and He is picking me back up. I had a concussion and was in the black for a while. Totally motionless. Then Jesus wakes me up to get me back on track and let life roll on again.

I live for these moments. When I realize how things aren't all in my hands, but in God's. It's always a great eye-opener. I am then so happy to be alive. Going from thoughts of removing myself from everything to being joyous just because I love the feeling.

This, my friends, is what's truly worth living for.